it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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