he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
