I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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