a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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