Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
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