My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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