He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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