woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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