I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
