I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
