you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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