just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
