I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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