is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
