Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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