i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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