And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I AM VODKA MAN
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
