You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
