11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
