at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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