I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
