i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it was like eating out sand paper
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
