I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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