feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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