I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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