Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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