Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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