Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
