he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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