You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
