I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Text me some of your sweat
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
