Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
