i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
