I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
