He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
