I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
