God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
