wrigley field is MILF paradise
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
