i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
