It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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