I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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