her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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