I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
