tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I love you. Go after that dick
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
