I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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