Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
