Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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