I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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