Dude my mom stole all your condoms
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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