this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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