Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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