I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
