Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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