Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
